TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious housing calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, the city historically recognized for historical society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and totally out of area. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Certainly, sure, let us have An additional area exactly where American Adult men can wear robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you everyone a set about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is comfortable electricity," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he need to halt using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping varieties a large Trump head seen from Area, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place company could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is already attracting consideration from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level can even include:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about Trump Tower Damascus the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to check out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports recommend:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Last Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You are welcome."

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